Preparing for Chemo #2

SOOOOO many things to write about today!!  *sparkly fingers*

I had my pre-chemo appointment with my oncologist this afternoon.  Basically to check my blood work for adequate blood cell counts for treatment, to discuss symptoms, ask questions, and do an exam.  After just one treatment, they don't expect much results, but she measured and felt and she found evidence that it is smaller.  YEAY!  15 more treatments to go.  Let's heal this thing outta there!

I also had my BRCA genetic testing results.  Totally negative for any of those yucky genetic mutations.  This is great news for my Family!  And great for the future of my cancer recovery.

My mom and dad came with me to this appointment, because Superman is busy being Super-band-guest-clinician in Emporia this evening.  :)

But I think it was great for them to meet my doctor and to hear answers to questions.  I know this is a journey for them as well.  We had dinner afterwards and they brought more gifts!  #cancerperk  :)

I'm particularly excited about the elephant tote bag, fuzzy socks #FUZZYSOCKS, the silk pillow cases.  :)

Speaking of gifts, more examples of how amazing my school is...  The elective team teachers presented me with flowers and a gift card to my favorite restaurant, Ladybird Cafe!! :) :)  They are the best.  #Northwestistheplacetobe

And then, first thing in the morning during my FA (homeroom), I was summoned to the office.  Someone was magically present to watch my classroom for me while I was gone.  Two of my principals sat me down to get some feedback about lunch duty and the hallways.  (I can see it now, "hmmm, we need to distract Mrs. Reynolds for about 20 minutes.  What can we get her talking about?  Oh, I know! Lunch Duty!")  They also shared some great uplifting thoughts regarding my journey and shared wisdom about faith, and positive thinking.  I have the best bosses!  Then there was a mysterious phone call, and then, "Ok Mrs. Reynolds, that's all we need.  Let's walk together, I happen to need to be down in your hallway."  So we get to my classroom, I open the door, and its completely black.  whaaaaa?  I walk in and the lights flip on and there's my FA, pluuuuus my 8th grade orchestra class.  Those sneaky rascals!  They had planned the whole thing!!  They decorated my room with get well propaganda and presented me with a gift.  They then showed me a picture-video-show-instagram-thingy of the orchestra festival trip.  I was doing ok until about halfway through, and then I just cried.   It was contagious, soon, I had all the ladies in tears too.  The boys were hiding, I'm sure.  It was silly.  They are such wonderful sweet children.  My job is the best best best.

They also made a short video.  Let's see if I can get it to work below.

Alright, so I'm doing Chemo #2 tomorrow.  The doctor says that things should remain about the same as far as side effects, with maybe a little bit more tiredness as we go along.  That's good.  And we can also be more on top of the side effects, knowing what medications to take and when.  #laxatives

More healing, gratitude, and acceptance.  #liquidgold
Here we go!

Acceptance, gratitude, healing

Just a couple thoughts for today.

1.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joannamontgomery/why-i-no-longer-say-fck-cancer_b_6801334.html

I read the above article and thought to myself YES.  Acceptance, gratitude, healing.  I mean, obviously, cancer is a fight.  But let's be honest.  I'm a non-confrontational person, and I don't need any F**K cancer negativity in my life.  I need gratitude.  Gratefulness for the amazing medicine and medical professionals, whom MANY of them had a quality music education in their lives that unlocked their brains for this amazing career path they chose.
Cuz THIS:

And, cancer, just statistically-speaking, is going to be a thing I live with for the rest of my life now.  Even when I beat it, the chance of recurrence is 30% higher than the rest of the population.  We've got to come to terms with each other.  So, no more "fighting" per say.  Many people have commented on how glad they are that I have this fighting attitude and stuff.  I'm changing it to my healing attitude.  Gratefulness that I have amazing doctors and that I am a teacher and that the lives I shape everyday will make them people who will "heal" others, no matter what medium it is they have chosen.

But let's be clear.  That 30% statistic is by no means permission for cancer to come back.  I plan to do everything in my power from here on out to be healthy and amazing and any cancer cells floating around in my body can flush their way out and go somewhere else.  I'm just saying, cancer will be on my health agenda for the rest of my life, so we better at least be able to sit in the same room with each other without causing a scene.  

2.
http://earthweareone.com/12-pieces-of-buddhist-wisdom-that-will-transform-your-life/

The themes that have been in my life recently line up with the 12 pieces of wisdom above.
Compassion.  Connecting with others.  Paying attention to love.   Take care of yourself first so you can take care of the world.  Coming to terms with mortality.  Food.  ...and other amazing points.

3.
Paul Davis posted a note on Facebook today.  Go read it.  It makes me so very sad and so very happy at the same time.   Do you think I could get Paul Davis to back me on my book project??

4.
I haven't forgotten about my book.  Tons of thoughts flowing on that one.  Developing.  I wouldn't post my idea on the inter webs if I wasn't 100% committed to it.  Its happening.  More to come.

Happy Sunday!  Day of rest and love and HEALING.  More liquid gold to come soon.  Next treatment on Wednesday.

New Hair!!

We went wig shopping today!  Came home with a winner. :)

Pictures:

Telling me about the care kit.

We both had a resounding NO to this one.  Look at her face, haha!

This one was ok...

They had a book of african animals on their coffee table with an ELEPHANT on the front. :)

A cap for sleeping and general comfort.

And the winner is...!

Its a very pretty brown color with a touch of auburn/red/gold in it.  I've always loved this color, but my hair will never hold any kind of red in it.  So now, I get to have that color and keep it.  Cancer perk!

So, this wig was just a week old on their floor, so I went ahead and just bought that one so we wouldn't have to wait to order one.  I was starting to get anxious that the hair would start coming out before I was ready.  And we looked through a bunch of color swatches looking for maybe a color of brown that was a little lighter, but then I kept coming back to the color swatch that was the demo wig's same color.  So, it was meant to be.  We bought it!  The great thing is, Superman's army coverage is going to cover this for me.  We had to pay money up front, but will be reimbursed.  Tri-care is awesome.  BCBS doesn't cover anything for cancer patients, like wigs, mastectomy bra type stuff.  So that stinks.  But Tri-care, yes, their cancer program stuff is A-mazing.

So, I'm READY.  Bring it on hair.  You can fall out now.  I also have some cute fake-lens glasses on hand.  I read in a blog about a girl who used her thick-rimmed glasses as a way to mask how weird she looked when her eyebrows came out.  I am so ready.  I'll model my glasses at a later date.

I'm out right now doing one of my favorite activities ever.  Typing in a coffee shop.  Some people would find it odd that I enjoy to spend my Saturday night alone, but coffee shopping is MY FAVORITE.  I'm an introvert.  An INFJ, to be exact.  Being out alone on a Saturday night is coooooompletely fine with me.

I did have a nice surprise too.  Superman showed up with one of our very good friends and sat with me for awhile.  Had some amazing laughs and great conversation.  Love them.

On the way downtown, A Prairie Home Companion was on the radio.  A vocal group was singing an arrangement of Samson and Delilah, one of my favorite songs of ALL TIME.  Regina Spektor's version.  In fact, I wanted to walk down the aisle at my wedding to this song, its so beautiful, but it wasn't very fitting for the occasion.  And Superman vetoed it.  The vocalists brought me to tears in the car, which to be honest doesn't take much these days.  The lyrics also refer to cutting hair, not having much hair, and references red hair.  Quite appropriate for my day today!  Sharing below.

And lastly, for today, because its 9:10pm and almost my bedtime and I'm starting to feel exhausted (sigh!), my mom sent me a poem she found today.

I do not like this chemo crap.
I do not want to wear a cap.
I do not want an IV drip.
No Carboplatin, not one sip.
I do not like my face with rashes.
I liked my lids when they had lashes.
I did not want to lose my hair.
And yes, I’ve lost it everywhere.
Now, nothing seems to be much fun
When to the bathroom I must run.
I cannot taste what’s on my plate.
You’d think that I could lose some weight.
But these steroids, it must be noted
Just cause me to feel big and bloated.
I realize that “this, too, shall pass”
I’ll bet I get to keep my ass.
And I’m sure it’s a foregone conclusion:
I do not want my next infusion.
But I must go, I can’t postpone.
So with this poem, I’ll bitch and moan.
And friends, indulge me with this blog,
And excuse my writing chemo-fog.
To end this here, I have to say; there is not any better way:
I do not like this thing called cancer.
Next time it calls, I will not answer.

The Cancer Card

So I was wide awake at 5:30am this morning, and my brain was already blogging.  I've got a good one for you today!

It was a humorous morning.  I didn't have to be at work until later due to parent teacher conferences today, so I enjoyed the quiet time until Superman's alarm went off.  When he started to stir, I turned my unusual early morning cheerfulness full-blown onto him.  Anyone who knows me, its UNHEARD of for me to be in a good mood before 8am.  However, I haven't taken any Tylenol in almost 24 hours.  My port site hasn't produced stabbing pain in a few days.  My achiness has subsided.  I'm in a GOOD MOOD!!!  Superman is NOT IN A GOOD MOOD!!!  He was up late doing pep band last night and was super tired.  So, it was a funny morning, irritating my husband with unfailing cheerfulness.  Excerpts from the morning: "Leave me alone!"  "Don't you have work today?"  "Why are you so cheerful?"  "You don't love me.  Stop lying."   "Get your cancer off of me!"   This is, of course, in good fun.  My husband is not actually emotionally abusive, even if I will declare he is at the top of my lungs.  I can imagine how ANNOYING I was with my intermittent giggling before 6:30am on a work day.

Although I feel great right now, its been like a waiting game with these side effects.  The nausea and achiness showed up right away.  Then earlier this week, I was feeling some peripheral neuropathy.  That's described as feeling numbness or tingling in the hands or feet.  I haven't been tingling so much, but I have felt weird and my hands and up my arms have felt "cold".  That's the best way to describe it.  Superman called the nurse about it, and they were unconcerned, but said to discuss it at my next oncologist appointment and that they can make adjustments to my meds and the treatment cocktail to help with that.
Another side effect started out as a weird prickling in the back of my throat.  Then it started to feel weird when I would swallow cold liquid.  Not so much a sore throat, but definitely some inflammation of some sort.  My gums are starting to feel weird, and I have a couple sore spots in my mouth now.  The nurses told me at the beginning of this that I need to gargle salt water 3x a day to prevent mouth sores.  Superman bought me some awesome toothpaste and alcohol-free mouthwash for dry mouth.  I have been using this, but I wasn't gargling the salt water consistently.  Follow the doctor's orders STUPID.  So I'm doing the salt water now.
I'm on a prescription anti-acid that I'm supposed to take twice a day.  I've realized that first thing in the morning and last thing at night isn't the best regimen.  I've realized that I need to take my second one before dinner time for maximum effect.  I was having a lot of evenings in a row that I just didn't feel good after dinner.  After I switched the timing, I have been fine.
I've also had a weird burning in on my face, below my nose.  Just started yesterday.  I don't know what that's all about.
And then I've had some internal plumbing issues too, but I won't elaborate on those anymore.  I've reached my limit in this blog already for poop-related humor.  haha.
And lastly, waiting for the big one.  The hair to fall out.  Hasn't started yet, but it should before the end of the month.  waiting, waiting, waiting.

So I've been repeating this question in my mind over and over again.  Why do I have cancer?  Ok people.
I'm 32 years old.
I have no history of cancer in my family, that I know about.
I am...well was...in optimal health.
I rarely ever have any health complications or illnesses. (aside from a couple freakshow things like having a super-sweaty hands and feet condition called hyperhydrosis.  And having a thing where air leaks out my nose when I play the clarinet too long.  Its called stress velopharyngeal insufficiency.  I did a research project on it in college.  It was an impressive piece of research.)
I eat well.
I drink only moderately.
I exercise, not consistently, but I do it.  I'm also very active during the day.
I make adequate sleep a priority.
I drink green tea daily, and make considerable effort to consume power foods and antioxidants on a regular basis.

So why do I have cancer??

My oncologist said that they have been noticing a trend with more and more young women getting breast cancer and there is not an explanation for it.  So why is it happening???  There's one thing in my life that I haven't handled well.  Work-related stress.  Does stress feed cancer?  Here's something that a simple google search came up with:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/daviddisalvo/2013/01/29/new-study-shows-how-stress-feeds-cancer-cells/

One of the medications I take now has nausea, anxiety and insomnia wrapped up into one.  Its amazing, by the way.  When I wake up in the morning, its like my brain has been wiped clean.  I know what day it is, and that I have to go to work today, but beyond that, nothing.  This week would regularly be a fairly stressful week for me with my two festival trips.  My mind would be overflowing with to-do lists.  I would be walking mentally through every aspect of the day, making sure that I've got everything under control, and even if I do, I will be worrying about every bit of it.

But not this week.  Basically, I just showed up and winged it.  I DON'T DO THAT!  I don't wing anything.  I challenge you to find another teacher who writes more thorough lesson plans than I do.  I basically write my lesson plans so that if I wake up with amnesia one morning, I will still be able to teach my classes.  Its ridiculous.  Superman tells me all the time that I plan too much.  But I HAVE to.  Its how I function.  And although I will never change that, I do know for a fact that I have an anxiety problem.  Its become clear to me.

The past 8 years of my life have been dedicated whole-heartedly and whole-bodily to education and being the best teacher on the freakin' planet.  And here's where my cancer card is going to come in.

I've decided to write a book.  And I'm going to use cancer to get it published and out into the world.

The book isn't actually about cancer.  Its going to be on the topic of educational reform. And the way that cancer has changed how I think and how I teach.  And that changes are needed.  I've been saying for years that I hope in my lifetime, I see a big positive change in education.  But, as you know, I have been faced with the thought of my own limited mortality, and what the hell am I waiting for.  I'll just do it myself.

To be more specific, my book is going to be about how we can't serve our students until we take care of the teachers/staff that interact with them.  Students are our clients.  Without adequate time and resources, we are not able to meet our clients needs.  In just 3 weeks of my journey, I have become a better and compassionate teacher.  Because I HAVE to take care of myself.  Its not optional.  I have always put education before myself and my family, and now I'm not anymore, and the results have already been beginning.  Cancer is the reason I've realized this.

So I'm writing a book.  I'm going to take it and give personal copies to all the people who have never worked in a classroom but are in charge of making educational decisions.  And I'm going to use the cancer card to get there.

"Hi, I'm a cancer survivor.  I need to see the legislator.  Now."

Educators are continually being given impossible tasks, and because we love children, we continue to jump through the endless hoops.  At some point, we need to STOP.  The general public, I have seen, are very prickly about teachers and the details of our jobs.  For example:  the misconception that we have paid summers off.  Nope.  Let's call it what it is.  Its an annual teacher LAY-OFF.

Another example:  Substitute teachers are not real teachers.  omg.  One of my sweetest students the other day referred to one of my subs as "not a teacher".  I had to breathe for 10 seconds before replying.  And then we discussed it.  We came to the conclusion, that yes, the substitute teacher was not a music specialist, but They.  Are.  A.  Real.  Teacher.

So many things.  There's so many topics I can write about.  Have you ever read an education article in an online newspaper and then browsed through the comment section?  There's where you hear the truth of how our citizens feel about education and teachers in particular.  Its saddening.  And its also IGNORANCE.

Also, I've been thinking about fertility issues, ya know, recently.  The top reason why I haven't had a child yet is because, WHEN the heck am I going to take care of a child??  I'm too busy taking care of everyone else's child.  And I come home exhausted after it.  And then I spend 3 hours doing lesson plans and neglect my husband and my health and happiness in the process.  All for education.  Educators are so overloaded and our world takes advantage of us because we care so much.  When is it going to stop and when are we going to make changes and who is going to stand up and get the ball rolling on it????

Book.  I've always wanted to write a book.  But I've never had anything good to say or write about.  I think now is the time.  So if anyone has any ideas, resources, articles, thoughts to share, please feel free to comment below or to email at my personal email address.

h_m_brown@hotmail.com

I'm doing this.

I will close today with two things: a fun cute picture a friend sent me.  And one of my FAVORITE VIDEOS OF ALL TIME.  I've noticed that a newer version has popped back up in social media recently.  I fell in love with the original version about 10 years ago.  But the one I'm going to show you has some cool graphics in it, and its clean.  The original has some obscene gestures and profanity in it (appropriate to the topic, but this is a public blog, so keepin' it clean).  I hope it fires you up as much as it does me!

Get those puppies checked!

sweet children

Another great day at festival with my kids.  I'm going to try to post performance videos from this week below.  Couldn't have been happier with those kiddos.

My orchestra kids were so cute when we returned to school.  They insisted on being able to take a few pictures for memories.  1.  I had to be in them.  2.  We needed a girl picture and a boy picture (but I had to be in the boy picture too, front and center.).  I swear, my 8th grade orchestra class is the sweetest group of children I've had in one class together in my entire career.  I could list so many things about them day after day that are testaments of what wonderful nice gracious young people they are, to adults and to each other.  My subs always leave raving reports about them too.  Such nice people they are, and will become.

Some pictures of encouragement I've received recently.  Love these elephants (and the people who sent them!):

7/8 Band

7/8 Orchestra
(the other orchestra teacher at my school conducted the first song, and I conducted the second.  We combined our two classes for the event.)

Amazing people

Northwest is the place to be, truly.  I have the best co-workers on the planet.

I went out to my car during my plan earlier this week and grabbed a quick power nap, because it was sunny and warm in the car.  Then I was later reprimanded because there is a couch made up for me with pillows, blankets, a heater, in a quiet place where I won't be bothered whenever I need it.  WHENEVER, even if it means dropping off my kids.

I walked into the building on Monday morning, feeling very tired and strung out from meds, and a co-worker came barreling into my room less than 5 minutes later because I had a "look" on my face.  Just checking in to make sure I was ok.

Another co-worker found me first thing one morning to give me a bracelet promoting good health for the month of March.  Its a tradition from his home country.

Wikipedia:  Tradition dictates that Martenitsi are always given as gifts, not bought for oneself. They are given to loved ones, friends, and those people to whom one feels close. Beginning on the first of March, one or more are worn pinned to clothing, or around the wrist or neck, until the wearer sees a stork or swallow returning from migration, or a blossoming tree, and then removes the Martenitsa.

Then this one just takes the cake today.  Another co-worker asked me if she could make me a prayer shawl.  Of course, I said yes.  I finished up lunch duty today and was summoned to the office and asked to wait.  Then there was a phone call and I was directed to follow.  So bossy!  I was then pulled into a circle of amazing women and they prayed for m
e and gave me the handmade prayer shawl made in one of their church groups.  The colors were personally picked to represent the elephant and to cloak me in strength and prayers whenever I need it.  It was so incredibly meaningful and I can't believe how lucky I am to be surrounded by all these wonderful people.

I just can't believe that I've been living my small tunnel vision life all this time and not making connections with these amazing humans.  Its like I was meant to be at Northwest during this time, to pull me through it.

I saw this today, and had to laugh.

I had some deep conversations with my Superman after work today, and I feel a mission coming on.   I've got some bad ass things up my sleeve.  You don't go through a time such as this and come out the other side without a renewed purpose in life.

And lastly, this article.  Attention husband: don't read this!

http://theweek.com/speedreads/450160/study-smelling-farts-may-good-health

Oh also. Said husband sent me this after reading my last post. Enjoy!

Adventures with laxatives

I'm not actually going to talk much about laxatives.  I just think that's a very compelling, attention-grabbing title!
But, yes, I needed to take one, because it had been 2.5 days since my internal plumbing was functioning correctly.  This was a side-effect we were warned about, but didn't know which way it would go.  So, we bought both laxative/softener and immodium, just in case!
I've used immodium before.  That stuff is great when you find yourself in China, eat something disagreeable, and find yourself uncomfortable for 4 days.
Although laxatives are the direct opposite, the apprehension was very much the same.  Not knowing at what point the need for a toilet was going to strike.  However, at least, in this country, the availability of a TOILET BOWL is highly probable wherever you are.  In China, a "toilet" could just be a hole in the ground.  So that was adventures with immodium, a.k.a. Heather's trip to China in....2004? with the KU Wind Ensemble.  Adventures with laxatives, though equally disconcerting, much much better.   So enough of that!

Sunday, I finally started to feel normal again.  Yeay, for a mostly normal day on the weekend!  However, I went to the grocery store for my normal sunday night shopping, and came home and nearly had a meltdown.  I was so TIRED.  And my port was bothering me ALOT.  And I resigned myself to a tearful pity-fest, during which Superman held me and told me how strong I've been even though the evidence was showing the exact opposite.  And the truth of the matter was, I felt WAY better after crying it out for about an hour.  Something I've been reading in blogs recently, advice from cancer patients:  eat good food.  and cry it out when you need to.  Its ok to be sad.  Its not ok to repress your feelings.  Being sad allows you to be happy and positive later.  I believe it.  The sobfest was exactly what I needed.

I've been doing my best to eat GOOD food.  Fruits, veggies.  Multi-grain bread.  Yuck, I hate wheat bread.  But I'm eating it.  I made a grilled cheese sandwich this evening with multi-grain bread, avocado, and colby jack cheese.  Not processed american cheese, which is the best cheese for grilled cheese sandwiches EVAR!!  Colby Jack was yummy too.

I took my band kids to festival today.  We had an absolutely awesome day.  I had a great staff member who came along to help sponsor, and she was amazing.  I really enjoyed talking with her, she's great with the students, and her positive energy was GOOD food. :)

Not good food was McDonald's for lunch.  McDonald's is such a treat for my kids, and perfect for field trips.  I WANTED A CHEESEBURGER SO BAD!  But no, processed meat is off my list.  And if McDonald's hamburger is not processed meat, I don't know what is.  I had a chicken ranch wrap instead.  And splurged on french fries yummy yummo with ketchup.  Potatoes.  Potatoes are good for you!

(excuse the profanity, please)

And a chocolate chip frappacino.  Coffee.  Yum.  Even if its fake coffee.  It was delicious.  And my body told me how naughty I was later.  Food definitely affects me differently than before all this started.  We had pizza at the house a few nights ago, and yikes, that was not ok.

GOOD food.  I need GOOD food.

Speaking of potatoes and vodka.  My favorite cocktail is the Moscow Mule.  Ginger Beer, Lime, and Vodka.  I am sad.  I shall not be drinking these for awhile.  However, ginger beer (which is nonalcoholic, and not to be confused with beer with ginger, which is ALSO delicious) is very very good.  Ginger with its anti-nausea properties.   So I think I shall be drinking Moscow Mules in the fancy copper mug WITHOUT the potato juice.

So its been a great couple days, and promises to be a great couple more until my next treatment, a week from tomorrow.  Blah.  But I'm fighting.  Fighting is good.

I was recalling a moment I had with a co-worker a handful of weeks ago.  I had expressed my anxiety regarding an upcoming doctor's appointment and told her what I was worried about.  That something "really bad" would be there.  I hadn't even mentioned anything to Superman at that point yet.  She looked at me for a second, processing, and then said, "Well, if it is something bad, you can now get treatment."  I found that response very disconcerting at the time.  I was expecting her to tell me that, of course, it couldn't be something "bad" and everything would check out ok.  At the time, I preferred to hear LIES.  But, I think, that response has shaped how this has all played out for me.  Yes, this has completely changed my life and my health forever, but the truth of the matter is, now I'm getting treatment and I will move on.

In fact, my diagnosis has really affected my attitude altogether.  I'm very organized, particular, responsible, and overly meticulous about my work and my job.  This also translates to a lot of stress.  I have seen my everyday work activities in a very different light since this all changed.  Not that I'm less organized or particular, just that ITS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT.  Its ok, to leave my classroom at 3:29

and know that I'm going home to rest and take care of myself, and be with my Superman and family.  I've been more gracious with my kids and understanding of acting out behaviors.  Not that I'm lowering my expectations in anyway or changing my consequences.  It just doesn't affect me as stressfully as it used to.  I'm not taking things personally, and instead of afraid of caring less, I'm actually caring more.  I'm paying more attention to my fellow staff members.  In answering their questions for me, I'm asking more questions of my own for them and actually listening.  I'm not constantly checking off a to-do list in my brain and focusing on the moment and knowing all that STUFF will get taken care of and even if it doesn't, ITS OK!

I've been listening to the group OK GO a lot since this started.  For some reason, their edgy rock has been exactly what I need.  I revisited a total band geek video of their's and the message "Let it go, this too shall pass" is so appropriate for me right now.  I'll share.  If you haven't seen this before, YOUR WELCOME!

OH YEA.  I almost forgot.  I felt so good on Monday, that I MADE A CAKE!  It was Superman's birthday.  And I made a cake.  All by myself.  Without supervision.  For anyone who knows me.  THIS IS A BIG DEAL!