New Moon in Aries

omgomgomgomg.... We are buying a house!!!!!!  Aaaahhhh!!!!  Finally!!!!!!  So we went to see it on Thursday night, and immediately knew we wanted to put down an offer.   Almost immediately got a counter-offer from the sellers.  OMG!  We countered back again, and they accepted!!

So, pending inspections and that everything goes smoothly, I am a homeowner!!!!!   Planning to move in Memorial Day Weekend.

*FIST PUMP*

Its in the middle of town, which we were trying to avoid, but the lot is so beautiful, large, and quiet, we immediately looked past that.  Its almost 1 acre.  ITS AMAZING.

Pictures:

This was so unexpected this week, in the middle of my career-crisis stress, which is at an all-time high.  I find the timing to be a work of divine intervention.  I'm not a church-going person, but I do believe that things beyond human comprehension go on in our lives and a higher force is in control.  And this house was meant to be.

FINALLY.  It makes sense that this is the one we were waiting for.  THE ONE!

Regarding career-crisis, nothing definite to report yet, but I'm following through with various options.    I am rapidly approaching the point when decisions need to be made.  For realz.

Its no longer a secret that I'm planning to leave NW at the end of this year.  (Especially since I just typed it for all the interwebs to see...)
I haven't submitted my resignation yet, but as long as there isn't a void of acceptable options at my disposal, and I find something, I will be. 
I've given my principal and fine arts boss a heads up.   

And I've decided, its just plain and simple.  I.  Need.  Less.  Stress.  In.  My.  Life.  

I was retelling my first day at NW to someone at happy hour yesterday.  How I stood in front of a classroom full of misguided youth that did not give a flying flip who I was or what I was doing there. I came to terms in that second that I was just going to keep on talking that day, and they were going to completely ignore me and carry on their shenanigans and that was just going to be what that day was going to be.  Do not fight it.

And at that time, I was INVIGORATED.  I was up for the challenge.  I was going to turn that classroom around.  My music classes were going to be a place of achievement, not screwing around.
And I did.  By golly, I seriously did.
But, I'm not as resilient as I once was.   It is time to go, and take care of ME.
Turning that program around provided a great deal of fulfillment for me.  But now my needs have changed.
I'm realizing I want to focus my efforts on making a difference at the micro, instead of macro, level.  That's where my natural strengths lie.   Behind the scenes.  Small groups.  One-on-one.

And I had an EXTREMELY life-affirming morning today.  I have spent the last 2 years in my classroom receiving almost exclusively negative feedback from my students.  And in particular, a certain class.  And I can tell there are more coming.  I lost my confidence as a music teacher, completely.
But today, I judged at an area school district's middle school solo/small ensemble festival.  And it was AWESOME.  I had FUN, teaching (judging/providing feedback) music, for the first time in months, maybe years.  The district's teachers and students and their parents gave me raving positive feedback. I am worthy!  I made an impact!!  I was valued!!!  I am good at this.

Not that I haven't made an impact or been valued at NW.  Because I absolutely have.  But not enough to balance the hardships out.  As a teacher in high-needs schools, its never enough.  There's never enough time.  There's never enough resources.  There's never enough interventions.  I reached this kid, but not that one.  The one hour I spend calling 10 parents regarding important academic or behavior issues, there are another 10 that I should've called as well.

I rediscovered this article, which I realized is the source of my Work Your Proper Duty Day Campaign.

teachers-work-more-overtime-any-other-professionals-analysis-finds

If policy makers would really take a look at how teachers spend their time, they would realize our education system is broken.  Things have to change.  Take care of the teachers first, so that they can take care of the students.

In the middle of my career crisis, I'm thinking in the back of my head, I could leave but maybe under the right circumstances I will go back to teaching in the public school classroom.  But at the same time, I'm thinking to myself:  No.  I'm a breast cancer survivor, gosh darn it.  I've been put through the ringer already.  I don't need to keep doing this to myself.  Public school teaching is not a reasonably allocated career field for any human being.  There's not a teacher on this planet that isn't cutting corners to make it home so they can have a good night's sleep.  Why can't we be given the conditions in order to actually do our job, and serve our families the way they need to be served!!??!!  Some communities are more resilient than others, and because they do ok, everybody chooses to ignore the problem.

So, what's my plan now?
I've submitted applications for an editorial assistant job, and a communications coordinator job.  Getting ready to submit for some other things too.  Completely not education-related.
I'm considering a piano accompanist hourly position as well.  I would love to continue contributing to the classroom, and NOT BE IN CHARGE.  However, the issue is the extreme pay cut/lack of summer pay.  So I'm brainstorming ways to make up the difference.  Part-time flexible things, such as working for a pet-sitting/dog-walking company.  Or go back to teaching private music lessons.  It JUST SO HAPPENS, the house we are now buying as a PERFECT set-up for a home music studio.  I mean, hello.  If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

Again - No solid plans or decisions to report, at this time.  But changes are happening.

I actually came across this article about the new moon phase that happened on April 7th.

new-moon-in-aries-taking-bold-and-innovative-action

(also a sign.  April 7th is the day I had a 24 hour emotional breakdown and decided, THIS IS IT.)  Not to go all crunchy granola on you by talking about zodiac signs and voodoo.  The timing of all these coincidences and signs is uncanny.)

So.  Acceptance.  Gratitude.  And Healing.  Hoping to find a career solution that will contribute to long-term healing.
Its time to move on.  I hope my path becomes clear SOON!

Guilty

This week I survived:
  1.  April Fool's Day.
  2.  First round of schedule alterations due to State Testing, with more to come.  (Because teacher bathroom schedules are very important and should not be trifled with!)

My Survival Kit:

Also, random, this lady is super-awesome and I'm proud to be her employee.

I was recognized this week as "STAR Teacher of the year" for my school building, of which I feel I don't deserve.  But I had the pleasure of attending a banquet with all the other STAR Teachers, their principals, and Central Office Staff, including KCKPS Superintendent Cynthia Lane (pictured above).

I'm a tad bit in love with her.  She makes me cry every year at convocation with her passion and commitment to Kansas City youth.  And I'm a little STAR-struck to be in a picture with her.  haha... (see what I did there.)

I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt that the same year I'm being recognized for exemplary teaching, I am exploring options and considering leaving the classroom altogether.

I had a heart-to-heart frank speech with one of my classes this week.
Talking points included:
   -I am a music teacher second.  I am an encourager of youth first.
   -You have observed me go from zero to b***h in less than two seconds, as a result of foolish behavior in this classroom.  That is not ok.  I am not proud of that.  But that is a result of frustrations overcoming my judgement.  It frustrates me when students think its fun to disrupt a class.
   -I want you to live your best life
   -The instrument in your hands could be your ticket to college, if you choose to apply yourself.
   -Being in band prepares you for life.  You learn how to work as a team, to be self-disciplined, to appreciate an art form that shapes you into good well-rounded people.
   -I love and care for each and everyone of you and for different reasons.  If I send a student out of the room, its not because I don't like them.  Its because they are preventing everyone else in the room from living their best life.
   -I'm teaching in this room today because I believe I can make a difference in your lives.  In other areas of Kansas City, parents pay for them to attend college.  Most of us don't have that luxury.  Your skills in band can assist you in a variety of different goals for your life, and not even related to music.
    -I could be working somewhere else, but I'm not.  I choose to be here.  I don't want to be teaching anyone else's kids, but you.  Because I believe in you.
    -I am here to help you learn how to teach yourself.  Because you are going to move on in life, and I won't be with you anymore.  But hopefully I have helped you gain some of the skills needed to live your best life.
 
I spoke to a silent room to that group of students the first time all year.  (especially after I said the word b***h.  Collective gasp.)

And I felt guilty.

If I'm saying I wouldn't rather be teaching anywhere but right here, yet in my free-time I'm exploring other positions, does that make me a liar?  For the record, I'm not searching for teaching jobs in any other building.  I'm searching position alterations and occupation changes altogether.  But Northwest is the only classroom teacher position I'm interested in.  Maaaaaybe I could be enticed by a job opening in the school district in the city where I live, but I really have no interest in lateral movement.  If I'm going to change to a new job, I want it to be an advancement in my career somehow, in line with my natural goals, strengths, and passions.  Moving to another classroom will only provide me temporary relief from my current frustrations.  Because every classroom/building has its thing.  I would only be trading in one set of variables in for another.

I came across a very powerful video, and this IS the world I live in right now.  I feel a great deal of loyalty and commitment to the cause, but sometimes I wonder, is it just too hard?

And one final thought-provoking message to share:

Research Nerds

I had my post-mammogram follow-up with my surgeon today.  All good news!  She said the results were clear and no issues whatsoever.  She did an exam, and said everything felt great.  They also altered my testing schedule.  I was going to be on 6 month mammogram check-ups, but my surgeon and oncologist were speaking recently and exchanging thoughts on the latest research.  Such a high frequency of mammograms has proven not effective, and also poses the risk of too much radiation exposure (and I've already had quite a BIT of radiation exposure, considering...)  They both agreed that myself (and another patient who is even younger than I am!) should minimize the amount mammograms in our lifetime when possible.
So I've been demoted/promoted to just yearly mammograms for the next few years.  And then bi-yearly from that point forward.
She brought up that the question of "what about MRI's?" might come up.  Well, that poses some risks as well.  Research shows that the contrast dye injected into patients before the MRI may be linked to a higher risk of developing neurological issues (Alzheimer's, etc).  So, again, I'm young.  If they are injecting me yearly for the next 60 years, that could cause a whole 'nother set of complications!  So, unless they have a specific concern they want to look at, they will use the smallest amount of testing recommended.

So...Okey Dokey.   I like that my doctors are research nerds.  I don't, however, like the little voice in my head worrying about radiation exposure and Alzheimer's disease.  Bleh.
It is unnerving to think about all the abuse my body has gone through the last year with chemotherapy and all that.  I noticed the other day that my driver's license still says "organ donor" on it, and I was a bit disturbed when I thought to myself "I need to get that taken off."  Don't want to run the risk of giving someone tainted organs...  Who knows what kind of evil is hanging out in there.
Add THAT to the list of uncomfortable thoughts that accompany a cancer diagnosis.

Not to linger on uncomfortable topics or anything, but I took myself out to brunch after my appointment today and perused the section in my "Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book" (the breast cancer bible!) regarding reoccurrence.  I'm not particularly worried, but it is naturally a topic that crosses the brains of breast cancer survivors occasionally.  Its smart to read up and just be aware of the worst case scenarios and possible symptoms, so that I am EDUCATED!  I'm following the example of my awesome research nerd doctors. :)  I'm not dwelling.  Just being smart.

Speaking of uncomfortable thoughts/conversations accompanying a cancer diagnosis, this conversation was the opposite and super awesome:
I was talking with a co-worker friend about our trip to Las Vegas and she said, "Well if anybody deserves an awesome spontaneous trip this time of year, considering your experiences a year ago, it's you!"
I know, right?!  <3

54 hours in Vegas

This post is a travel journal, more than a blog today.

So a few days before Spring Break, I texted Superman:
"I think we should just go to the airport and take a Spring Break spontaneous mini-vacation to where ever is the cheapest available flight."
"Where would you like to go?"
"I don't know.  A getaway somewhere.  Just for a day or two."
"The cheapest flights right now are to Las Vegas."
"Vegas would be cool..."

We booked our tickets Saturday, and left on Sunday.  Boom.

Vegas, Hour 1:   landed.  10pm.  Heather's in a good mood, but tired, sniffly, and hungry.  Superman, who has been to Vegas before, is pointing out all the big landmarks as we ride through the city towards the Strip.  Heather nods silently, stunned, by ALL THE THINGS.

I'm thinking, YES, PERFECT,  a place completely different, intriguing, a place where I can get out of my head.  And a place for celebration.  Cuz, if you remember, a year ago, I was doing chemotherapy.  I came down with shingles over spring break last year.  I experienced a huge "I HAVE CANCER" meltdown during spring break last year.  Superman shaved my head during spring break last year.   It sucked!   (not to override the gratitude I upheld through the entire experience... but wow, that was hard times.)  So, HECK YEA.  Let's go to LAS VEGAS!!!!!

Vegas, Hour 3:  first item on the agenda - Food - check.  With a belly full of late-night breakfast from Hash House A Go Go in the LINQ Hotel and Casino, our home for the next 2 nights, Heather takes the best and most needed shower in recent memory.  She climbs into bed looking forward to amazing slumber, while Superman explores and finds himself his first game of poker across the way at the Flamingo Las Vegas Hotel and Casino, the Strip's original home of cool, a tropical oasis with a central location.  He returns a few hours later to Heather, still partially awake due to her friend Advil Cold & Sinus and the thumping music from the nightclub right under her window. 

I actually googled:  "Introverts Las Vegas".  It came up with several hits:  different tips on how to cope with the loud flashy activity and masses of people.  One of the things off the very short available list, take a nap in your hotel room.  I did that one a lot.  Can't really say it did the job though.

Vegas, Hour 10:  renewed from mildly successful sleep and a fresh dose of Advil Cold & Sinus, Heather and Superman set out for the day's adventures.  Superman loves his wife, and came back from Starbucks with COFFEE and FRUIT for her.  She is fueled and ready to go.  They purchase 24 hour passes on the Monorail, and Superman proceeded to annoy Heather with frequent references to the Simpsons.  The monorail....the MONorail...

Your welcome

Yep, Vegas was exactly what I needed.  As vacations do, it wiped my brain clean and I feel renewed with refreshed Heather-perspective.  It may sound like I had some huge revelation or something while we were there.  I didn't.  And that's not what I expected for the trip.  It was just awesome to get away and reconnect with myself and with Superman.  As we are compatible in life, we are also compatible travel companions.  He's my favorite travel partner.  However, I wasn't always pleasant on the trip.  Luck would have it, after we booked our trip on Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon I felt the beginnings of a cold. A real one.  (Not a phantom one; that tends to happen to me.) It was realz.  And super annoying.  Superman commented in the taxi on the way into the strip: "You are going to get really tired.  Everything is bright, flashy, and loud.  I know my wife."  At first, I was like, Psssh!  Whatever, I got this.  But, boy was he right.  And I was suffering through the typical stages of the cursed winter-to-spring cold at the same time.  I'm not sure if my experience would've been different without the stupid cold.  Probably similar, just with less Zombie-behavior.

Vegas, Hour 13:  Circus Circus.  The top of the Stratosphere.  After about 3 miles of walking in and out of Casino Hotels in the older part of the Strip, Heather declares it time to eat FOOD.  They head through Paris to the Bellagio in search of the buffet.  Food.  So much food. 

                                      

                                      

I loved it and hated it at the same time.  VEGAS = SENSORY OVERLOAD.

Vegas, Hour 18:  Upon waddling out of the buffet, Heather declares it is nap time.  She is starting to feel the effects of all the lights, noise, people, and flashiness combined with her friend Advil Cold & Sinus.  But first, they watch the Bellagio fountain show and then walk through Caesar's Palace.

Vegas, Hour 19:  Superman plans the evenings activities while Heather slumbers.  He then frolics over to the Flamingo for some more poker.

With more time and energy, I would've liked to have done the following things:
-watched Superman play poker
-maybe engaged in some games of my own.  However, because of my complete LACK of skill, I did not participate
-instead of napping, I would've laid by the pool somewhere, and explored more places.  I didn't see the Venetian or the Mirage.  They were both on my list.  I also wanted to check out the Mob Museum.   However, there's NO WAY to see everything.  There's just TOO MUCH!  Not sleeping at all isn't an option, haha!

Vegas, Hour 21:  Heather is refreshed from her nap and a double-dose of her friend Advil Cold & Sinus.   They head to "Vegas! The Show", located in Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino, a classic Vegas variety showcasing Vegas history and showgirls.  That was 7pm.  Heather and Superman aren't done.  They immediately taxi over to the Luxor for their second show of the evening:  "The Blue Man Group".  Front row poncho seats!  

Vegas, Hour 26:  Heather has no idea what time it is or where she is or how long she's been there.  Officially a Zombie.  She lasted 26 hours.  Stopping at The Luxor's convenience store, she picks up Nyquil so she can get a good night's rest to enjoy tomorrow's adventures.  In a blur, she takes in the nightlife of the Strip, and then, after another awesome shower, collapses into bed in a deep Nyquil-assisted sleep.  Superman enjoys a midnight poker tournament, while she slumbers.

If I ever come back to Vegas, I will ensure to do the following things:
-Bring a sweater with me everywhere.  Many of the indoor places had THE AIR ON FULL BLAST!  And the fact that you're in the middle of the desert can make you falsely believe that you will be warm all the time.  Nope!  The sun goes down, and its actually quite chilly.
-I would also have tennis shoes on my person at all times.  So much walking!!!  Cute shoes vs. happy feet?  such a dilemma.
-Not stay right on the Strip.  I would need a quiet oasis away from all the noise and lights.  Let me introvert for a bit, and I'm ready to go again.  I loved all the action, and lights, and being apart of all the happenings.  However, when I "go home", I'm ready for some peace and quiet so I can recharge.  I never had a chance to recharge with a booming nightclub right outside my window.  Blah...

Vegas, Hour 36:  Superman, bearing coffee, leads Heather on another day of adventures.  Headed out again to the Strip to explore, they have loose plans for a brunch buffet.   Superman annoys her again with the Monorail song.  They explore the MGM Grand, over to New York, New York.  They take in the Hershey's Chocolate store, and briefly walk through the Excalibur.  

Vegas, Hour 39:  They set their sights on the Wicked Spoon for brunch, located in the Cosmopolitan.  Amazing.  Food coma commences.  Superman finds himself an afternoon poker tournament at Mandalay Bay, while Heather returns to the LINQ for another well-deserved nap.  In the past 39 hours, she has walked over 30,000 steps or 12 miles!!  Heather officially enters Vegas-Zombie mode.  Her friend Advil Cold & Sinus has served her well, but she is beat.   Must sleep before their evening's entertainment.

Vegas, Hour 42:  Superman is still in the tournament.  Heather gets sparkly, and takes a taxi to their evening location to meet him.  They are seeing "The Rat Pack" at The Copa Room, in the Tuscany Suite & Casino.  Front row seats!  Folks, Dean Martin is alive and well.  It was the REAL Dean Martin.  Dean Martin likes Heather.  She received several kisses, and odd gifts from him (empty drink glass.  Sheet music.)  Afterwards, Heather runs and hides.  Too much attention from the real Dean Martin!  They enjoy a nice late-night dinner.  However, Heather is having trouble holding up with all the rich food.  She is grateful for the to-go cup of ginger tea the restaurant sends her out the door with.  

I didn't realize until this trip, how much of a pansy I can be!!  I need a tri-fecta of things to be happy:
1.  adequate sleep.
2.  adequate warmth.
3.  food providing energy.
Vacations can sometimes make it hard to have any of these things.  Man, I used to live the travel life.  What happened to me?  Good thing I have a tolerant and loving Superman, in moments of unhappiness.  I mean, I'm not an ogre, or anything.  But with the combination of my cold, and a sampling of different variables, the struggle was real...

Vegas, Hour 46:  Superman takes Heather on a bus down to Fremont street, old downtown Vegas.  They take a nice stroll through The Golden Nugget, and other various hotels and they enjoy the big screen canopy of lights and music.  They watch as tourists zipline down the street.  More lights.  More people.  More noise.  More glam.  Heather suddenly becomes weepy, tired, and overwhelmed from ALL THE THINGS, from the past 45 hours.  She requests that Superman take her back to the hotel so she can....introvert.  Because he loves her and is a tolerant wonderful human being, he does so.  She falls asleep to the rumblings of the nightclub outside the window, while Superman finds more....you guessed it!  Poker.  

Vegas, Hour 54:  Superman quietly comes in after an overnight of mild poker winnings.  Both are tired and ready to go home.  Good bye, Las Vegas.  Maybe we'll be back sometime.  And maybe then Heather will actually drink and gamble....haha.   Isn't that at the top of Las Vegas requirements??  Smooch!

Lawrence, KS, Hours 1 - 48:  Heather sleeps, and enjoys being ALONE, and QUIET.

Lawrence, KS, Hour 72:  Heather actually MISSES Las Vegas and wishes to return sometime.  She watches "Ocean's Eleven" and delights in all the places she saw in real life.  If only she wasn't such a highly-sensitive, introverted empath, what would her life be like?  Its ok.  She loves her life.  And after 54 hours in Vegas, her vacation gave her renewed gratitude as she charges forth into Spring, looking forward to what new opportunities life will offer!

#Acceptance #Gratitude #Healing

Collective Sigh of Relief

Got my hair did today.  It is getting quite long!!  Long enough to get HiGhLiGhTs.  :)  I stuck with the "walnut" brown, which I love, and yes, is quite dark, but added golden highlights.  Fun!

Loving this almost-spring weather.  I think the entire city of Lawrence is experiencing a collective sigh of relief.  Winter is almost done!

Speaking of winter....my mental state is much better these days.  My cup isn't empty anymore.  I have room to pour into others.  I had two field trips this week, which both went well, but struggled with stubborn hard-headed students making poor choices.  6 weeks ago, I would've imploded over these things.  This week, I had the resiliency to deal with it and move on (even if I made a regretful parent phone call in the process...should've cooled down before I made that one....but oh well.  It was blunt, but true.)  

Still haven't reached any answers regarding career path choices, but I have received some good advice from colleagues and planted some possible seeds of movement.  But no official steps have been taken for anything.  Just waiting to see if an opportunity arises.  If not, I have a list of ways that I am currently coping and improving my current place.

Something that has been helping ALOT is simply acknowledging emotions in myself and my students.  Emotions of joy, excitement, frustration, anger, struggle, apathy, etc.

"I'm noticing [this type of body language], which leads me to believe you might be frustrated.  What can I help you with?"

"This is what disrespect looks like to me.  [this this and this]  You have done [this this and this] all in the past three minutes.   That disrespect makes me feel [....].  Are you intending to be disrespectful, or are you experiencing a different struggle and how can I help you with that?"

Just a few alterations to my wording that has produced positive results in the classroom culture.   Though I'm not doing wrong things, there are ways that I need to improve and prevent creating a teacher-against-student environment.  Calling on a student when I specifically notice they aren't paying attention.  Automatically assuming that a certain behavior means they want to disrupt the class.  So, little by little, I'm becoming more aware.  Using little tricks and ideas to slowly change my room's energy.

Kind of like making life-style changes since cancer.  Making little changes here and there and hopefully it results in a life-time of health and happiness.    Every little thing helps.  :)

Well, I am now going to work on my next Elephant Journal article.  Topic:  The Lymph System!