The past few days have been emotionally rough. I guess up until this point, I had been avoiding thinking about surgery and how it will change me physically, as well as thinking about the long-term affects of chemotherapy and maybe radiation. Being confronted this week with the very real possibility that I might have to get a mastectomy threw me back to coming to terms that I have cancer in the first place. I hadn't been there for quite awhile.
I've also been thinking about preparing to be gone from work for surgery. Its SUCH AN INCONVENIENT TIME - right in that first month of school! I originally thought that I could tread water, show some movies and stuff while I was out for a week or two for a lumpectomy, but if I'm going to be out for longer than that, no I can't be doing that. Not fair to my students to make things better for ME by taking away from their education.
I'm just going to have to let go and be ok with the fact that my school year is not going to start out the way I want it to. I could get into all the logistical reasons why its going to suck not being there especially while starting out beginners, for possibly as long as a month, but I won't here. Bleh.
My stomach has been icky on and off for a couple days, probably from stressing myself out. And I went to a restorative yoga class on Friday and I think I restored a few things a little too much. My knees have been hurting a lot since friday. I need to be more careful I guess.
I'm proud of myself for making it out of the house on a Saturday. I'm out coffee-shopping, maybe doing a little bit of work, but I don't think I'm going to last long. So tired! This fatigue thing is for real. One of my co-workers at work, who had recently had a year with cancer as well, asked me how I was doing one day. I replied that I was tired but doing ok. And she said, "Its up and down, isn't it." I find myself trying to put myself into patterns and predicting how I'm going to feel from day to day. Aside from having a poor day somewhere around friday or saturday, its really just randomly up and down. I don't like random. I want predictable. I want to know how it will all turn out. I just have to give up control. I think that's been the hardest part. Not being in control.