Saturday, June 20, 2015

Giving up control

The past few days have been emotionally rough.  I guess up until this point, I had been avoiding thinking about surgery and how it will change me physically, as well as thinking about the long-term affects of chemotherapy and maybe radiation.  Being confronted this week with the very real possibility that I might have to get a mastectomy threw me back to coming to terms that I have cancer in the first place.  I hadn't been there for quite awhile.

I've also been thinking about preparing to be gone from work for surgery.  Its SUCH AN INCONVENIENT TIME - right in that first month of school!  I originally thought that I could tread water, show some movies and stuff while I was out for a week or two for a lumpectomy, but if I'm going to be out for longer than that, no I can't be doing that.  Not fair to my students to make things better for ME by taking away from their education.

I'm just going to have to let go and be ok with the fact that my school year is not going to start out the way I want it to.  I could get into all the logistical reasons why its going to suck not being there especially while starting out beginners, for possibly as long as a month, but I won't here.  Bleh.

My stomach has been icky on and off for a couple days, probably from stressing myself out.  And I went to a restorative yoga class on Friday and I think I restored a few things a little too much.  My knees have been hurting a lot since friday.  I need to be more careful I guess.

I'm proud of myself for making it out of the house on a Saturday.  I'm out coffee-shopping, maybe doing a little bit of work, but I don't think I'm going to last long.  So tired!  This fatigue thing is for real.  One of my co-workers at work, who had recently had a year with cancer as well, asked me how I was doing one day.  I replied that I was tired but doing ok.  And she said, "Its up and down, isn't it." I find myself trying to put myself into patterns and predicting how I'm going to feel from day to day.  Aside from having a poor day somewhere around friday or saturday, its really just randomly up and down.  I don't like random.  I want predictable.  I want to know how it will all turn out.  I just have to give up control.  I think that's been the hardest part.  Not being in control.


  1. You'll find out more at your July meeting right? I would say try not to overly stress about how different outcomes will change your ideal. Easier said then done I know. Thinking about you lots and know that you will bounce back from whatever situation is thrown at you. Enjoy the extra time to nap and relax. I just reread a message you forwarded me from a new friend. Everything will come together and you'll be a stronger person with fresh, cleaner, healthier priorities. And remember this? "I hate cancer, but I love people who are stronger than cancer. And that, obviously, is you. Stay strong, friend, and use that killer smile!!" You can do this!

    1. Thanks Amy. I've been thinking on your message of having a get-together around my last chemo. I think maybe a week later would be good because i'll be experiencing the chemo LEaVING my system at that point. I'll keep thinking on it.
      I've been doing better with the surgery stuff. Took a couple days to pout and be sad and now I'm moving forward. Also distracting myself thinking about fun stuff. I've started making a list of things I look forward to accomplishing after this "rough patch" is over.
      AND, chris and I are looking at a house tomorrow and have an appt at the bank to get pre-approved mortgage stuff underway. It looks very promising and i'm super excited. Chris warned me about not getting my hopes up quite yet, but Imdon't care. I'm super enjpying the feeling of being excited about the future and making plans that have nothing to do with cancer. Woohoo!!

  2. I understand what you mean about the start of the year. Trust that Jodie will make sure things stay on track so you can set your procedures and hit the ground running when you get back. If the end of this last year proved nothing else, the music department is a team. :) (And think of the lovely meetings you'll miss...saying the same things in different ways...same people asking the same questions...hehe)

    I can also relate to the lack of control. I actually don't need tons of it, but when it is in certain areas of my life it is very disconcerting. One of those areas for me is money; I am terrified of not having enough to make ends meet. I grew up that way and I don't want to live that way. One thing life has taught me though is that no matter as bad as it feels, it will be okay because I will find a way through it. If you end up having to miss the beginning of the year, you will do the same because you are strong, smart, and passionate about what you do.

    Maybe if you find out that is what is going to happen for sure, look at what you can do when you get back so that you can feel some of that might make it easier to let go of the rest. Maybe? Hopefully? :)