Borderline

I had my appointment with my surgeon today.  The ultrasound revealed that my tumor size had shrunk just a little to 1.7cm x 1.1cm.  Though to offset the disappointment that there wasn't huge results, she said that this type of chemo is also targeting all those rogue cancer cells floating around in my body that could cause problems later.

And no definitive news regarding surgery, yet.  I'm considered a borderline candidate for lumpectomy.  They are concerned about breast disfigurement, so in that case I would need a mastectomy.  Good news is that if mastectomy is my path, they could get me in to see a plastic surgeon right away and probably (my speculation) reconstruct all in the same surgery.  And a mastectomy means no radiation, so thats a plus.

We made my next appointment for July 8, following my last chemo session and thats when all the answers will happen.

She also said that they want to do surgery 3 to 4 weeks following my last chemo.  Sigh...I was hoping to push for 5 weeks.  That way I could get school underway.  I'll be able to attend my first few days, at least.  But cancer isn't worried about convenience, now is it.  It'll also probably be during Superman's band camp.  yuck.

So I'm sad that I didn't hear exactly the news I wanted, which would've been:  Lumpectomy is a go.  I almost wish that she could've told me for sure one or the other.  I don't like borderline.  It makes me anxious and uncertain.  So now I'm thinking to myself, what can I do to help streamline this chemo process.  What can I PERSONALLY do to help shrink this tumor even more?  Ug.  Nothing, beyond what I'm already doing.
yoga
positive attitude
rest
eat well
keep moving
etc
etc
etc

I was surprisingly more anxious and emotional than I thought I would be over this.  I packed my chemo elephant and my Ganesh statue and wore my elephant bracelet and an elephant shirt to my appointment.  Wanted to bring more positive juju.

Also, I had discovered some extra lumpiness on my other side several weeks ago that I became anxious about.  I brought it up with my oncologist and she felt around and said she was absolutely not concerned.  However, when I go for my next ultra-sound, ask to have it looked at.  So my surgeon looked at it and said she could see a small fluid-filled cyst nearby the spot I pointed out, but everything else was just normal lumpy dense breast tissue.  So that was a huge relief!  Nothing going on there.  She even said that with my losing a little bit of weight, that my breasts might begin to feel lumpier with the absence of fat tissue to cover it up.  So that explains the change there.

So there it is.

ACCEPTANCE.  Gratitude.  Healing/(shrinkage!)