But, yes, I needed to take one, because it had been 2.5 days since my internal plumbing was functioning correctly. This was a side-effect we were warned about, but didn't know which way it would go. So, we bought both laxative/softener and immodium, just in case!
I've used immodium before. That stuff is great when you find yourself in China, eat something disagreeable, and find yourself uncomfortable for 4 days.
Although laxatives are the direct opposite, the apprehension was very much the same. Not knowing at what point the need for a toilet was going to strike. However, at least, in this country, the availability of a TOILET BOWL is highly probable wherever you are. In China, a "toilet" could just be a hole in the ground. So that was adventures with immodium, a.k.a. Heather's trip to China in....2004? with the KU Wind Ensemble. Adventures with laxatives, though equally disconcerting, much much better. So enough of that!
Sunday, I finally started to feel normal again. Yeay, for a mostly normal day on the weekend! However, I went to the grocery store for my normal sunday night shopping, and came home and nearly had a meltdown. I was so TIRED. And my port was bothering me ALOT. And I resigned myself to a tearful pity-fest, during which Superman held me and told me how strong I've been even though the evidence was showing the exact opposite. And the truth of the matter was, I felt WAY better after crying it out for about an hour. Something I've been reading in blogs recently, advice from cancer patients: eat good food. and cry it out when you need to. Its ok to be sad. Its not ok to repress your feelings. Being sad allows you to be happy and positive later. I believe it. The sobfest was exactly what I needed.
I've been doing my best to eat GOOD food. Fruits, veggies. Multi-grain bread. Yuck, I hate wheat bread. But I'm eating it. I made a grilled cheese sandwich this evening with multi-grain bread, avocado, and colby jack cheese. Not processed american cheese, which is the best cheese for grilled cheese sandwiches EVAR!! Colby Jack was yummy too.
I took my band kids to festival today. We had an absolutely awesome day. I had a great staff member who came along to help sponsor, and she was amazing. I really enjoyed talking with her, she's great with the students, and her positive energy was GOOD food. :)
Not good food was McDonald's for lunch. McDonald's is such a treat for my kids, and perfect for field trips. I WANTED A CHEESEBURGER SO BAD! But no, processed meat is off my list. And if McDonald's hamburger is not processed meat, I don't know what is. I had a chicken ranch wrap instead. And splurged on french fries yummy yummo with ketchup. Potatoes. Potatoes are good for you!
(excuse the profanity, please)
And a chocolate chip frappacino. Coffee. Yum. Even if its fake coffee. It was delicious. And my body told me how naughty I was later. Food definitely affects me differently than before all this started. We had pizza at the house a few nights ago, and yikes, that was not ok.
GOOD food. I need GOOD food.
Speaking of potatoes and vodka. My favorite cocktail is the Moscow Mule. Ginger Beer, Lime, and Vodka. I am sad. I shall not be drinking these for awhile. However, ginger beer (which is nonalcoholic, and not to be confused with beer with ginger, which is ALSO delicious) is very very good. Ginger with its anti-nausea properties. So I think I shall be drinking Moscow Mules in the fancy copper mug WITHOUT the potato juice.
So its been a great couple days, and promises to be a great couple more until my next treatment, a week from tomorrow. Blah. But I'm fighting. Fighting is good.
I was recalling a moment I had with a co-worker a handful of weeks ago. I had expressed my anxiety regarding an upcoming doctor's appointment and told her what I was worried about. That something "really bad" would be there. I hadn't even mentioned anything to Superman at that point yet. She looked at me for a second, processing, and then said, "Well, if it is something bad, you can now get treatment." I found that response very disconcerting at the time. I was expecting her to tell me that, of course, it couldn't be something "bad" and everything would check out ok. At the time, I preferred to hear LIES. But, I think, that response has shaped how this has all played out for me. Yes, this has completely changed my life and my health forever, but the truth of the matter is, now I'm getting treatment and I will move on.
In fact, my diagnosis has really affected my attitude altogether. I'm very organized, particular, responsible, and overly meticulous about my work and my job. This also translates to a lot of stress. I have seen my everyday work activities in a very different light since this all changed. Not that I'm less organized or particular, just that ITS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT. Its ok, to leave my classroom at 3:29
and know that I'm going home to rest and take care of myself, and be with my Superman and family. I've been more gracious with my kids and understanding of acting out behaviors. Not that I'm lowering my expectations in anyway or changing my consequences. It just doesn't affect me as stressfully as it used to. I'm not taking things personally, and instead of afraid of caring less, I'm actually caring more. I'm paying more attention to my fellow staff members. In answering their questions for me, I'm asking more questions of my own for them and actually listening. I'm not constantly checking off a to-do list in my brain and focusing on the moment and knowing all that STUFF will get taken care of and even if it doesn't, ITS OK!
I've been listening to the group OK GO a lot since this started. For some reason, their edgy rock has been exactly what I need. I revisited a total band geek video of their's and the message "Let it go, this too shall pass" is so appropriate for me right now. I'll share. If you haven't seen this before, YOUR WELCOME!
OH YEA. I almost forgot. I felt so good on Monday, that I MADE A CAKE! It was Superman's birthday. And I made a cake. All by myself. Without supervision. For anyone who knows me. THIS IS A BIG DEAL!